so i finally have a chance to sit and just type.
its been crazy at work! so much stuff to do, so little time and patience to do it in. one good thing in my life is that it is now football season, so now im pretty stoked for that. [=
in other news, not much is going on except for the random annoyances of every day life. work work work thats all i do ever.
i've been doing the same job for 5 years and nothing ever changes. the people change, but the attitudes and the drama is still the same. its all double crossing, backstabbing, and drama. its more drama than i had in high school. it can be so draining.
vultures swoop in and pick the carcass clean.
it becomes so tiring to have to deal with this constantly.
drama in my personal life?
not really. mean little girls that say mean things. mean girls that think they have a tough life when in reality they have no idea what they're talking about.
i hate everyone. i really do. im so sick of people its not even funny. i want to move to a small island and write all day. thats all i really want to do.. write.
i just get so tired of little girls.. if you dont like someone.. or dont want to have anything to do with someone, then why even bother with that person?
here. allow me to be personal.
i dont like to get too personal, but i guess i will. there is a person that i am genetically connected to for EVER, that will have no part in my life. is that painful for me? it used to be. im okay with it now. i know that one day i will get married [hopefully soon if we can save up the money.] and one day i will have kids and etc, and he will have no part in it. and one day he will be all alone and old, and have nobody to take care of him. which is sad for me to know. because one day karma will come back on him. tenfold.
i know what it means to have a parent that is evil. i know what it feels like to be cut down and made to feel like an invalid. i hate when people say they have such terrible parents, when in reality.. they have no idea.
really? does your dad still call you? invite you out? ask to meet your boyfriend of the minute? text message you? tell you that he LOVES YOU
yes.
when was the last time i spoke to "that guy"? oh, i dont know 2 years ago ? a year ago ? i dont even remember. i think it was 2 years ago. long enough to be told what a bad person i am or whatever. and then in the same breath tell me that everything is all in my head. and that im the crazy one.
oh, i'm not the crazy one.
when was the last time i SAW "that guy?" i dont know, 4 years ago? would he even recognize me if he saw me? nah. probably not. is that sad for me? well, not really i dont care anymore.
does this all sound contradictory? if you dont care why are you writing about it? blah blah blah blah
i dont care, thats why i can write about it. when i did care, i didnt talk about it. i know. you dont know. period.
i know what it feels like to give 1,000% of myself to school and dedicate all my time to studying and excelling in school only to hear that im not trying hard enough. not to hear that hes proud of what i've accomplished.
not to be proud of the fact that im not freeloading off of my parents. living at home doing nothing. i've had the same job for 5 years.. i make my own living and im pretty self sufficient. all of these are things to be proud of.
i dont drink, i dont do drugs, im not a stripper, i dont go out and have sex with random guys, i dont have any illegitimate children. i dont party. i am not an embarassment to my family.
and i have a firm grasp on the english language.
and yet, its still not good enough. it is never good enough. and i have quit trying to live up to impossible standards that will never be good enough. i am good enough on my own and i know it.
which leads me to this. some people have no idea what it means to have a shitty parent. are their people worse off than i am? of COURSE! i have a fantastic mother and papa bear. i love them both VERY much. what is especially amazing to me is the fact that a man who has known me for i guess 2 years..? (papa bear) treats me like i am his daughter. [= so i have all the parents i need now.
would i welcome a relationship with "that guy" ? i dont even know anymore. before i would have been happy. but ive been burned too many times. i could be civil. i could be nice. but unfortunately, he has chosen his path. he has chosen his non-biological children &/or his wife over me.
but its all good now. the loss of Jerry 4 years ago left me very broken. i was very sad that i didn't have a dad. he passed away and i thought that i would never have a dad.
fortunately, Tom has always treated me like i was his daughter. [= so i know that i will always have a dad in him.
the point im trying to make is that, i dont like when people think they understand. people think they get it. people think that they're on top of the game. do some research.
my opinions on "that guy" were formed based upon what i grew up with.. what i have seen what i have heard. period. dont think you know everything based upon what someone else says. you'll never know.
especially when they reach out to you and want to be a part of your life. grow up little girls. grow up. you have no idea what it means to have a parent that hates you. a parent that wants nothing to do with you. an absentee parent. you have no fucking idea. i dont know why anyone would pretend to have such a bad life? why anyone would reject a parent that is trying to be a part of their life? i dont know. maybe its just fun to create drama in your own life. maybe it makes you feel special. maybe its the attention.
attention whores. thats all it is. period.
you dont know what it means to have a parent that is repulsed by you. to have a parent that wants NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. period.
so tell me little girl, when you walk in a room.. does your dad know who you are?
XOXO
DiZZ
